Unprepared

I was never really prepared for my life. I grew up as a last born of three in my very large family... I say large because we have such HUGE personalities in our house I often find myself wondering how my mother has managed to love us unconditionally all these years. One day I will blog about Mrs. M. She is quite something.

People often delude themselves into thinking that last born children have it easy and that things fall into place for them. If there is any truth in that statement, I am yet to experience it... My siblings are way older than I (does that mean I was an Oooooppps baby? I'll ask Mrs. M). So I pretty much grew up alone; well with the house-help(s), if that counts. I had dreams growing up. Initially I wanted to be a shoe-shiner (I loved to polish shoes). After that I wanted to be a car-washer (I love(d) washing the car and playing with water). This career ambition was followed by a desire to become a nurse (I love medicine, blood, medical dramas and everything about it). I still remember the day I told my mum I wanted to become a nurse! I was so excited. It was the first thing I blurted out to her when I got into the car that evening. Later, I decided I wanted to become a hair-dresser (a dream completely inspired by my late Aunt. I'd spend every day at her salon just watching her do her thing. She had a heart of gold). Thanks to debate club, I then aspired to become a lawyer- I was and still am very good at arguing my case, probably the only good thing that came from being a last born. When I was 12, I found my passion... I wanted to become a HUMAN RIGHTS ACTIVIST. This dream has lasted in my heart over the years, although with a few modifications here and there.

So, you see; I had a plan. I have always had a plan. For the most part, things worked out just as I had always wanted them to, except when it relationships and boys... That was then and oh boy don't I miss those days. 

Now... I just realize, with every passing day that I was never prepared for my life. Most importantly I was never prepared for society and her expectations of ME. I hate that I am expected to dress in a certain way because I come from a certain family, or because I am a certain age. I hate that if by the time I am 27 and will not take a man home, my aunties, grand-folks and relatives will ask me "kae Wanjiru utari na kamodo?" never mind that I am comfortable with the idea of not having a man in my life. I hate that just because I graduated at 20/21, I should behave like someone who will graduate at 24/25... I must work NOW! I must do my Masters before/by a certain age. I must find myself  by the time I am a certain age! 

I believe finding myself is something I will do for the rest of my life so its ridiculous to attach a time-line to it. I want to be young, be my age and not have to act like a 26 year old just because I graduated at 20/21. I want to be allowed to be single forever; if that is what my heart will desire at 27; the age when I should be "settling down". I want to do my Masters, and not because I will become a "trophy-daughter" but because I will be doing something for MYSELF

I was never prepared for society and her expectations of me. I was never prepared for life; because as I said, being a last born, I pretty much grew up alone and although I was expected to perform better than my siblings had in school (which was never a challenge.. except in Mathematics)... Such expectations would never have had an huge impact on WHO I AM & MY HAPPINESS like the expectations of society have now.

I was never prepared for society and her expectation and now my mind is like this

I was never prepared and now my mind looks and/or feels something like this.

My mind is a jig-saw puzzle. I have never completed a jig-saw puzzle before (does that speak volumes about my intelligence levels? It shouldn't. It should tell you something about my patience.) I have never completed a jig-saw puzzle, but my mind will be the first I complete... Even if it kills me.