Unprepared

I was never really prepared for my life. I grew up as a last born of three in my very large family... I say large because we have such HUGE personalities in our house I often find myself wondering how my mother has managed to love us unconditionally all these years. One day I will blog about Mrs. M. She is quite something.

People often delude themselves into thinking that last born children have it easy and that things fall into place for them. If there is any truth in that statement, I am yet to experience it... My siblings are way older than I (does that mean I was an Oooooppps baby? I'll ask Mrs. M). So I pretty much grew up alone; well with the house-help(s), if that counts. I had dreams growing up. Initially I wanted to be a shoe-shiner (I loved to polish shoes). After that I wanted to be a car-washer (I love(d) washing the car and playing with water). This career ambition was followed by a desire to become a nurse (I love medicine, blood, medical dramas and everything about it). I still remember the day I told my mum I wanted to become a nurse! I was so excited. It was the first thing I blurted out to her when I got into the car that evening. Later, I decided I wanted to become a hair-dresser (a dream completely inspired by my late Aunt. I'd spend every day at her salon just watching her do her thing. She had a heart of gold). Thanks to debate club, I then aspired to become a lawyer- I was and still am very good at arguing my case, probably the only good thing that came from being a last born. When I was 12, I found my passion... I wanted to become a HUMAN RIGHTS ACTIVIST. This dream has lasted in my heart over the years, although with a few modifications here and there.

So, you see; I had a plan. I have always had a plan. For the most part, things worked out just as I had always wanted them to, except when it relationships and boys... That was then and oh boy don't I miss those days. 

Now... I just realize, with every passing day that I was never prepared for my life. Most importantly I was never prepared for society and her expectations of ME. I hate that I am expected to dress in a certain way because I come from a certain family, or because I am a certain age. I hate that if by the time I am 27 and will not take a man home, my aunties, grand-folks and relatives will ask me "kae Wanjiru utari na kamodo?" never mind that I am comfortable with the idea of not having a man in my life. I hate that just because I graduated at 20/21, I should behave like someone who will graduate at 24/25... I must work NOW! I must do my Masters before/by a certain age. I must find myself  by the time I am a certain age! 

I believe finding myself is something I will do for the rest of my life so its ridiculous to attach a time-line to it. I want to be young, be my age and not have to act like a 26 year old just because I graduated at 20/21. I want to be allowed to be single forever; if that is what my heart will desire at 27; the age when I should be "settling down". I want to do my Masters, and not because I will become a "trophy-daughter" but because I will be doing something for MYSELF

I was never prepared for society and her expectations of me. I was never prepared for life; because as I said, being a last born, I pretty much grew up alone and although I was expected to perform better than my siblings had in school (which was never a challenge.. except in Mathematics)... Such expectations would never have had an huge impact on WHO I AM & MY HAPPINESS like the expectations of society have now.

I was never prepared for society and her expectation and now my mind is like this

I was never prepared and now my mind looks and/or feels something like this.

My mind is a jig-saw puzzle. I have never completed a jig-saw puzzle before (does that speak volumes about my intelligence levels? It shouldn't. It should tell you something about my patience.) I have never completed a jig-saw puzzle, but my mind will be the first I complete... Even if it kills me. 

ITS DARKEST...

Its darkest before dawn! Some of us, myself included, know a bit too well about darkness! But today is not a day to brood over life and all its ridiculous challenges, today is a different kind of day!!!

You see, I have two friends, who in one day, have managed to remind me that darkness is merely the temporary absence of light.

Friend 1: Lets call her Sab. Sab is a great person! Great personality. Fabulous fashion sense and a remarkable writer. We didn't meet too long ago Sab and I; but the first day I met her, I knew we'd be great friends. Why? Well, because she had GORGEOUS EARRINGS ON! (Yes men, that's how easy it is for women to forge friendships). Unfortunately, we didn't quite become friends until much later... Something about judging a book by its cover i.e. her thinking I was a snob and I thinking she was being funny (not funny ha ha... nope, the unfunny kind of funny), and I don't do that breed of funny people. Life has taught me to steer clear from them. But as I said, she has GORGEOUS EARRINGS & I HAVE A FETISH FOR EARRINGS.. DO THE MATH. I later came to learn she too has a blog, a fabulous one at that. In that same conversation, I was also informed the blog is a secret, which in my opinion is an abomination, of sorts anyway, because she can reaaalllllly write. I have a friend who once told me I have Dr. Phil tendencies, so vowing not to disappoint her and her opinions, I prod Sab... And now she is out of the closet people; so much so that Biko Zulu  (Jackson Biko) is thinking of doing something, related to writing, with her! When did she get the news: TODAY!

Friend 2: Lets call her Muno! Muno and I hit it off from the first day. How did I know I'd be friends with her: We both had on: black trousers(same design), white blouse, exact shade of brown sweater, brown shoes and gold jewellery. I remember this, not because I have OCD [if I did I'd have written it in alphabetic order, CDO :-)] , but because we found ourselves wearing the same clothes, in the same colors more than once. Fashion brings women together. Muno, has always been a "Ms. goody two shoe".  ALWAYS! She is the typical daddy's girl. But you can only live that way for so long! This year, she vowed to find HER way and her self. So, once again, I put on my Dr. Phil hat. It was a long talk that led to the realization that we were both on the same boat. A long talk which revealed to us that it will get better with time. It will get better because we will get better at what we do, at how we live our lives bla bla bla. Misery loves company and boy oh boy did we not love each others' company that day. Tomorrow, Muno leaves for Addis... UN Women called her up yesterday.... all they wanted was her OK to process her documents, finances, accommodation ET AL.

Are you wondering about me: Well, I'm a patient (with life, not people) life lover. But in the pipeline, is a job interview. One which everyone but I is over the moon about... I am not not excited, I am just confused about it. Those are details. Fact is that, I always give my best and though confused, I will give it my best. In the mean time, I will wait for my heart's desires to come true. Its a good thing I am patient with life!

It may be darkest before dawn, but its never the end of the world. Although it may be darker when all you girls are in the same boat as you, as they step out one by one into the BRIGHT SHINING LIGHT, you can't help but smile for their joy, for their soon to be success, for your Dr. Phil moment that got them through a DARK NIGHT! Its darkest before dawn, but its never dark FOREVER; because FOREVER is an awfully long time.

Have a blessed week ahead my people! :)

P.s. I am sorry for the delayed posting... Exams were playing the devil's part!

I PLEAD THE FIFTH!

I voted for the new constitution on 4^th August 2010, for reasons that I don’t wish to disclose… besides, this is not a political forum neither do I have to justify my right to vote as I please. Yes... RIGHT!!! We have RIGHTS & FREEDOMS in Kenya and with this document these RIGHTS & FREEDOMS are now more pronounced than before.

Today is a Monday. Like any other normal Kenya I experience serious Monday Blues… You know that thing where you wake up on Monday morning and wish that the weekend had dragged on and on and on and on and on and on and on… Especially if the weekend involved a group of girls toasting some lethal drinks because one of their own will be walking down the aisle this weekend. So I’m sure by now you understand just how dreary my Monday morning was.

I had to go deliver a letter for the boss. I walked into the recipients’ office and bureaucracy being what it is; the secretary refuses to sign for the letter because of a spelling error. I must have forgotten to mention that for unknown reasons the elevators at the office only work at 8 a.m, 1 p.m. and 5 p.m. So here I am, bored out of my mind and having gone down three flights of stairs, the secretary informs that she cannot sign for the letter because there was a spelling error. *MULTIPLE HARD BLINKS*

Whilst I try to explain to her it is nothing but a spelling error, walks in a gay man. Now, I should state that I have nothing against people who swing that way because they are as much human as I. But there was something about this guy. He looked like he’d just walked out of a movie scene. He had a grey suite on. Shinny grey. The collar of the jacket was covered in brown fur. I kid you not. FUR! His hair was all curled up, as though he’d applied Hair-glow. His nails all polished up in red. His shoes had a little heel and were super shiny... BLACK! Instantly, he sized me up and mumbled something about my legs. I quickly say thank you and proceed to deal with the secretary. Woman would not bulge for anyone… or so I thought. 

The gentleman who walked in began to quarrel her (of course after listening in on my monologue with the crazy secretary) about how inefficient and unrealistic her demands were (asking me to go back up three flights of stairs to correct the spelling error). It must have been his sexual preference that made her change her mind (I know it doesn’t make sense, but it’s the only reasonable explanation). She immediately signed for the letter and sent me away. On my way out, my “hero” pulls an Usher Raymond (please read O.M.G moment) and comments about my posterior. Dazzled, I looked behind and asked him if he is allowed to say such stuff considering he is… well, you know... he is GAY…

His response, “Oh, you must have thought that because of my dressing huh?”

My response: “Really?”

His response: “Yes”

My response: *HARD BLINK* “Eh, that’s a trick question. I plead the 5^th”

His response: “Good answer; because I just like to dress like this for fun on Mondays. It gets heads turning.”

My response (after a long stare): “So does that mean you get to say things about ladies legs and posteriors”

His response: “YES!”

I was in awe! The extremes people resort to so as to turn heads… and get people to draw conclusions about their sexuality… Talk about being crazy… or exercising one’s RIGHTS’ & FREEDOMS beyond imagination.

Jumping in the rain

The thing about having a blog is that when a follower ask you to write about something.... You kind of have to do it but  lets not make it a habit eh?!? :-) 

Random question? When was the last time you played in the rain with a friend, spouse, or sibling? Do you remember how much fun that was?

So anyway, I got an text today. A friend wanted me to write about the topic that Maina Kageni and Churchill (spelling his radio stage name is a task given my cultural background, hence Churchill and not Kinganga... yeah that one). Anyhow, my phone is always tuned in to one frequency and no its not classic, God knows its not KISS Fm (Catch me dead. Its nothing personal by the way)... Yes, yes yes I am a die hard Capital FM fan. Like literally, I'd take a bullet for  the team, maybe excluding CK but hey! Moving on swiftly... I had no idea what the debate on Classic was and I was not going to subject my phone to some treacherous stuff. That said, my friend still went ahead and told me how the show was about men and women (whats new???) and some drama about men throwing women out of home and the latter refusing to be thrown out (Girl Power MY BLACK PALM!!!) and the men plotting to sell the houses behind the women's backs (And apparently women are back-stabbing female dogs) blah! blah! blah! Granted that I was not listening to Classic and I was not going to betray DJ Adrian's Friday Flight Mix, I hope you can forgive my gross misrepresentation of the facts of the topic. But the little I was told got me thinking... Really?!? We - men and women - have stopped to this level. Really? Women empowerment MY BLACK PLANTAR FASCIA (Read Sole).

Refer to an earlier post http://wwwladyaiyanna.blogspot.com/2011/04/tatas-cocktail-happiness.html .

These women and men who are literally driving each other up the wall have too much energy and me thinketh its been channeled in the wrong places. Seriously, wouldn't it be much for fun to go fly a kite (its been a while eh?) or jump in the rain rather than persistently plan on how to make someones life miserable?!? Really? This thing people call love. Love is a rumor to some people or perhaps their definition of love is the equivalent of getting all cuddled up *wink* and seeing as to how women are rumored to always have headaches at night *Ka-ching ching* then love or rather that messed up definition of love is thrown out the window!

Anyhow, bottom line is this: In love or not, your happiness cannot be determined by what others do or don't do! To those men and women who breathe, live, think and dream about making their "sweethearts" miserable... GET A DAMN LIFE  AND PURSUE HAPPINESS!!! Take one step at a time.. Its drizzling now... Go out and play in the rain with your dog, cat, parrot, rat, roach... whatever! Just do something that makes you happy.

In the word of a wise man:  

Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. ~Abraham Lincoln~

Tata's Cocktail = Happiness

Yesterday was Fool's Day. It was also the 13th Memorial Anniversary of a kind, visionary man who was a great father to his children and superb uncle to his nephew and nieces, which is the category I belong. I know you're probably thinking who dies on Fools Day??? Best believe God has a sense of humor, that we sometimes fail to share in. I still wonder whats up with that especially since he died before midday! *Sigh* 

In exactly 11 days, it will one year since the death of one of the sweetest, warm people I have been privileged to know and meet. Kavivvy, as we fondly called her because of her high-pitched baby voice even at the age of 18, died "suddenly" after she was misdiagnosed with some random sickness while all along she had Cancer of the bones. I never got to see her in her pain, but something tells me it may have been for the best; because for me I still remember her as she were before her illness.

There is something about April that gives me the jitters. But yesterday got me thinking... A whole lot. Life is too damn short to just exist in it. I was chatting with a friend who told me about her "aunt" who has been married four times! FOUR! No, she is not, young and foolish; neither is she in the States or any Western Country where such things are as normal as a cop accepting a bribe in Kenya, her aunt is in Kenya and has been married FOUR times to Kenyans. Why has she been married FOUR times? Her answer was simple: Life is short to even be unhappy for a single day in your life. So when her first, second and third husbands pulled fast ones on her, she left and continued in her pursuit of happiness. My friend, still amazed by her aunt described her as a lady who is on a cocktail of some seriously hard drugs to try help me understand how happy "tata" usually is.

Life is short to dare be unhappy over things you have control over. If its a lecturer, boyfriend, boss, girlfriend, friend, sibling, tout, blah blah blah... You need to re-evaluate just how important they are to you, what value are the adding to your life and if its a boss draining out on joy, then get on the cocktail of hard drugs or look for a "tata" in your life to tickle you. 

In the words one of the greatest rock bands ever: 

Nickleback- If today was your last day 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=maINUv2H8A0

The Independence Paradox

It must be difficult being a man today; a straight man anyway... Not that I would know anything about it. The expectations of society on the oh so needed martian species are demanding, to say the very least. He  is expected to do more than just provide, protect, to be as romantic,if not more, as any Nicolas or Alejandro Kenyan women watch on TV... Blah! Blah! Blah! 

The only problem with these expectations is that the woman today is either at per with the man in her life or way ahead. You see girls grow up being indoctrinated with sayings such as what a man can do, a girl can do better! Hence the dilemma in today's society. Women are practically taking good care of themselves; at least the so called "independent woman" is. 

Whilst these women exhumes independence that perhaps only Obama has :), turns more heads than her mother has in her lifetime, she remains a woman at the end of the day... Therefore, she is independent insofar as material things are concerned; Emotionally??? That's a new topic all together. This independent woman may proclaim that she doesn't need a man for anything. In fact many, myself included, have at one point or another shouted that statement off the top of our lungs (or told it to a girlfriend), whether after a relationship gone bad, a random girls night out (read venting session on the man in or who have been in our lives; fathers, brothers, random flings, boyfriends e.t.c.), or in our happy-alcohol-induced-state of minds.Yet, this is the same independent woman who glows a little bit more when flirting with a man whom she likes (and he pretends to like her), this is the woman who when going out to meet her girls, will probably wear something nice so that her girls can go uuuuuuu lala lala about her look; and when going out on a date will look extra nice to impress the man... Independence is as vague a concept as the concept of Self-Actualization by Abraham Maslow... It cannot be achieved entirely 100%. Women have advanced past needing men for material things and men seem to have missed out on the memo. They are at a point where the man in her life needs to give her "the alleged rubbish" that Alejandro, Nicolas or whoever in those Mexican soaps gives to those Mexican women.

So for women, who are brave enough to get married, the most important thing for them during their vows is: "TO LOVE AND TO HOLD, FROM THIS DAY FORWARD TILL DEATH DO US PART". For women who are unmarried but committed, its the sweet-nothings (read common compliments showered to women by men) that matter to them; with the hopeful yet doubtful expectation of marriage or a wedding.

Its hard being a man today because being a man today means that you work extra hard to give your lady more than material things... Heck, if you meet and satisfy her emotional needs and your broke and she is not, there is a higher probability of her staying with you than the alternative martian who consistently takes her out on dinner dates and then tells her at the end of the month she needs to loose some weight because she's become fat! 

The woman today is quite an enigma; but it is never really that hard to unravel her. Its as simple as be better than she, financially, and give her some T.L.C.

Diclaimer: I have ABSOLUTELY NO STOMACH for Mexican soaps. :)